Jack Benny: Hear This…
“Your life or your money, threatened the masked thug, with a gun jammed in the beloved, late comedian, Jack Benny’s ribs.
2 min readJan 31, 2023
This bit was the classic illustration of the money-miser, he pretended to be.
Jack Benny would answer holding his head in his palm, eyes rolled back. then he’d feign deep thought, for a long-exaggerated pause. “I’m thinking…I’m thinking…”!
The hesitation caused his audiences to crack-up.
His comic Shick is what comes to my mind, whenever my neighbor Sofie Boschman tickles me with stories of her old, rich but miserly beau, Leonard.
She entertains me while we do our wash, (a chore we both hate), in our building’s laundry room.
………. Love Leonard Style…
“My Leonard is the bargain I found on Mate .com.
He is sooo tight his buttocks squeak when he walks…” so Sophie begins…chuckling.
His wears his carrot-red hair irregularly shingled, with unintended bald spots between turfs of red fluff.
“Look, I’ve saved 25 dollars, each time, by giving myself a haircut”, he boasts proud of the horrendous chopping he’s given himself.
Sophie smacks both her cheeks in mock shock.
One evening when he comes for our date, his milk white face is covered with red splotches.
“What happened to your face Leonard”? I screamed, panicked Sophie relates throwing her arms in the air.
(Need I mention Sophie uses gestures to press… her amusement with Leonard’s antics.)
“Oh, it’s nothing…He explains, “I just used the same razor, too many times”.
Sophie can hardly contain herself about The Valentine Day, he brought her an orchid plant.
Next day he phoned asking me how she liked it.
“Thank you, Leonard, but all the petals are falling off.”
” Oh, that's nothing…they’ll grow back, He reassured her, “Look at the stems you’ll likely see new buds, already”.
“I closely examine the stems/sticks secured in a block of green foam soil”.
“They sure look like dead sticks. Before orchids ever sprout anew from those dried out specimens… my shoulders will grow wings …to fly,” Sophie gives it to him as she quickly tossed it into the trash.
Whenever he finally to takes her out to dinner Leonard suggests making sure its “inexpensive”.
Sophie shouts back,” Forget “The IN”!
Uncontrollable laughter accompanies this…She thinks he’s a riot!
More & more she tells me how Leonard whines, “Every time I eat in a restaurant, I get a stomachache”.
“That’s because you anticipate the bill”.
“Ho- Ho”!
She puts her clothes in the dryer, as completes her tale with, “While in the throes in his passionate lovemaking, he earnestly whispers in my ear, “I love you so much, my kidney, my liver, my spleen I’d give you… just ask”.
“What about your wallet”? She whispers back in his ear.
“No, no…I didn’t promise that that’s an ‘appendage’… NOT part of my body”.
He retorts feigning terror…jumping up in bed”.
Now I ask you…
