How Toned is Your Granny? ©2019

By Dee-Dee Diamond

As daily urged by my adult children, reluctantly I joined Mate.com.

Along with my brief bio, general statistics like being 5’ 5”, medium build, with both dark eyes and hair, I submitted a photo.

I’ve always been told that I was an attractive woman, that I was 73

I mentioned that I enjoyed following the stock market, and writing funny stories, since I retired…yada, yada…

Manhattan is my hometown and I loved all the variety it had to offer

Yada, yada…!

As a curious family we waited impatiently to see who would respond to me.

In the meantime, I checked-out the matches that Mate.com selected for me. What a bunch of “old gizzards” they dug-up as candidates. However surprisingly ALL claimed to be athletic, romantic, adventurous and prosperous. If widowed they had had the best marriage…ever.

It was soon I got the same inquiry over and over, again, “Are you toned”?

“What is toned”? Also, what constitutes toned for a 73-year-old woman? (This is a new requirement, evidently). I don’t recall being asked if a woman was toned years ago.

I do remember; is she pretty, is she short or tall, fat, or skinny, is she built like a brick shit house, is she smart or dumb, is she educated, talented, rich or poor, is she Christian, Jewish, Muslim or an Atheist, does she come from a nice family, is she a good girl, (virgin) or does she ‘put-out, or EVEN …can she dance?

NEVER did I hear the question…is she toned! This craziness made me want to resign the damn unfamiliar Date.com thing… but my kids pleaded, “Mom, I give it a longer try. “Don’t give up so fast”.

So politely, while nauseated, I answered matter-of-factually, “I go to the gym 3X a week. I walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes and use some light weights”. BUT alas that wasn’t enough for them; they still needed to know, “Are you toned”?

I left my family in the den while pretending to need something in my bedroom. Hesitatingly, I undressed in front of my full-length mirror, (something I try not to do).

But I am determined to see if I’m toned.

Firstly, I pushed up my sleeves to examine my arms. True there was muscle when I flexed them, but as I pinched the underarm, it was pure marshmallow! Toned?

Sighing I acknowledged my breasts were creeping to my waist, nipples pointed more south than north. Is this toned, Granny?

With great hesitation, I peered over my shoulder into my rear-end reflection. My buttocks cannot be described as rounded and firm as melons. (I must have flattened them while I sat on them over the years).

Again, what can I do? I dare ask…am I toned?

Last, I stretch each leg, one at a time, I examine them critically. Still curvy, not muscular like my daughters’, but not bad if I say so myself.

Most important they take me where I want to go. BUT am I toned?

Now I’m pissed! I had been forced to examine my today’s body in a new critical way. I had seen too much!

Back I marched to finish what I had provoked at Mate.com.

I bid an abrupt loud… “GET LOST-ASSHOLE” to each old putz.

Unbelievable there remained one particular “old goat” that would not stop emailing me… daily.

His moniker was “Stud Adam looking for his Eve”. The schmuck kept pursuing me, including that same irritating query,” Are you toned”? buried in every contact.Now I brutally counter- punched, “Go fucken check yourself, in the mirror Gramps, (with your tri-focal glasses on), then… ask it, “Mirror-mirror on the wall, is Stud Adam toned, at all”?