“A Whale of a Date” ©2012

Part 1

“I’m GU, (geography undesirable)”, she whined in her flat Boston regional speak.

“Dee-Dee, I met this nice guy, on Match.com.”

“Out the Blue”, my late husband’s cousin phones me. “The problem is he is from New York, and he’s not coming to Boston, & I’m not traveling to the Big Apple. So, I told him I have an attractive cousin who lives in New York.”

Not being from here, she doesn’t know New York includes a large metropolitan area.

She goes on…” What do you have to lose”? Dee — Dee, I don’t want you to be alone, dear”.

She ignores my reluctance.

“I’ll send you his online bio…see what you think”.

From what I read… he lives in a nearby neighborhood.

I learnt that by the places he frequents... the park, the cafes, the library, etc.

Then I see his photo…well, he was not “a Looker”! 🙄

On his face were thick black rimmed glasses, and a most generous nose. (I’m so mean a picture registered, of the toy plastic masks, with thick, black glasses, the huge nose attached, my kids liked to wear, and giggle at each other.

Norton was widowed 14 months, and retired accountant.

It certainly wasn’t love at first sight for me…but “The Cuz” nags, "He seems like an upstanding sorta guy give him a chance…”

He calls me next day.

Part 2

We chat easily…he asked me to dinner for that evening.

‘’ Please make reservations at any neighborhood restaurant you’d like.

Before I hung up, I warned, “I limp on one leg & use a cane”.

Norton didn’t hesitate but shot back, “That’s OK…your leg is not the part of your anatomy, I’m interested in… anyway”.

Instantly I retorted, "Then I think I’ll leave it…home”!

My daughter, Carly, who was eavesdropping at the door, “Mom, he’ll think you have a prosthetic leg,” She protested when my call was finished, “He doesn’t know what a joker you are”!

part 3

I made up to meet my new beau in my building’s busy lobby. I felt safe meeting him there in case he was some lunatic. I was nervous with a capital” N”.

Then in he walked…taller than I expected dressed in an ankle length soiled raincoat. A heavy tweedy blazer, with a flannel shirt and old man’s tie, peeked from under his raincoat. (That night was a warm Spring evening, by the way).

He sported a whitish short beard that surprising grew into a black circle around his mouth.

When he bent towards me to greet me…I smelt dandruff…not a sexy appealing turn-on.

Part 4

Norton did offer me his arm in a gentlemanly fashion as we strolled to the Greek restaurant across the Avenue.

He checked out the menu on its window and then we entered.

During our so far, brief encounter, I quickly surmised he was hard of hearing.

Not knowing, his problem, the restaurant I chosen, had the worse acoustics…stone walls, floors, ceramic ceiling and played “Greek piped music” …none stop.

When we were to be seated, I whispered to Yosie, the host,” Please give us the quietest table, in the house”.

Soon my dear date confessed he has cataracts…and without pause, brags to me, “I don’t need “Viagra” …all in one sentence!

Heh- Heh! 😮

“Who asked you”! shot back mortified.

I wanted to run home, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself, or cause a scene… as this is one of my favorite eateries.

The minute my bottom hit my chair; I ordered a very dry Martini.

How else was I to not bolt? 🙄

Since Norton is a hungry man, he loudly calls to the nearest waiter to demand service.

This waiter is a Greek immigrant, nephew of the owner, with a heavy, hoarse Greek accent… when he speaks New Yaw-ese. English is not regularly his language. 😅

Norton demands the young waiter to read him the entire menu, as he mumbles, “I can’t see well, until I get my cataract surgery, next month.”

The sweet, new employee unbelievably reads the ENTIRE menu to Norbert! (This was not a busy afternoon).

I’m trying, with the help of the Vodka Martini, to keep a straight face and keep from crawling under the table.

On, & on drones the heavy accented waiter as he struggles to Norton’s outlandish request.

Finally, the waiter gets to “Quail”.

Norton perks up, “You have whale here”? Excited, “Whale”?

The waiter looks at me…and he, and I, fall out hysterical! We are crying with uncontrollable laughter.

Me, “Smarty-Pants” (that I am), has to chime in…” If you have WHALE, and butcher here in your kitchen…I’ll have its tail… broiled dry”!

Well to this day…whenever I encounter the waiter we scream, “Whale” …& crack-up. 🤣

I did politely bid Norton a cordial goodbye…& plan on seeing him…never!